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Sitting, she thought: This boy, Tommy — I’ve known him since he was a child. He’s had this terrible damage done to him — and yet now I see him as a sort of zombie, a menace, something to be frightened of. And we all feel it. No, he’s not mad, that’s not it, but he’s turned into something else, something new … but I can’t think about it now — later. I’ve got to give Janet her supper.
It was after nine, and Janet’s supper overdue. Anna put food on a tray and took it upstairs, arranging her mind so that Marion and Tommy and what they represented were out of sight. For the time being.
Janet took the tray on her knees and said: ‘Mother?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you like Ivor?’
‘Yes.’
‘I like him very much. He’s kind.’
‘Yes, he is.’
‘Do you like Ronnie?’
‘Yes,’ said Anna, after a hesitation.
‘But you don’t really like him.’
‘What makes you say that?’ asked Anna, startled.
‘I don’t know,’ said the child. ‘I just thought you didn’t like him. Because he makes Ivor behave in a silly way.’ She said no more, but ate her supper in an abstracted thoughtfulness. She looked several times, very shrewd, at her mother. Who sat, allowing herself to be shrewdly inspected, preserving a surface of calm competence.
When she had gone to sleep Anna descended to the kitchen and smoked over cups of tea. She was worrying now over Janet: Janet’s upset by it all, but she doesn’t know why she is. But it’s not Ivor — it’s the atmosphere created by Ronnie. I could tell Ivor that Ronnie must go. He’ll certainly offer to pay rent for Ronnie, but that isn’t the point. I feel exactly as I did over Jemmie …
Jemmie was a student from Ceylon who had had the empty room upstairs for a couple of months. Anna disliked him, but couldn’t bring herself to give him notice because he was coloured. The problem was solved in the end because he went back to Ceylon. And now Anna could not ask a couple of young men who were disturbing her peace of mind to leave, because they were homosexuals, and they, like a coloured student, would find it hard to get a room.
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About
The Golden Notebook is a collaboration between if:book London and Apt.
Principal funding by Arts Council England.
HarperCollins, the publisher of The Golden Notebook, digitized the book for us and generously gave permission to reproduce it here in its entirety at no cost.
Additional support from The John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation and New York University
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