The Blue Notebook
27th March, 1950
I am crying in my sleep. All I can remember when I wake is that I have been crying. When I told Mrs Marks, she said: ‘The tears we shed in our sleep are the only genuine tears we shed in our lives. The waking tears are self-pity.’ I said: ‘That’s very poetic, but I can’t believe you mean it.’ ‘And why not?’ ‘Because when I go to sleep knowing I am going to cry, there’s pleasure in it.’ She smiles; I wait for it — but by now she is not going to help me. ‘You aren’t going to suggest,’ I say, ironical, ‘that I am a masochist?’ She nods: of course. ‘There’s pleasure in pain,’ I say, sounding the trumpet for her. She nods. I say: ‘Mrs Marks, that sad nostalgic pain that makes me cry is the same emotion I wrote that damned book out of.’ She sits up, straight, shocked. Because I could describe a book, art, that noble activity, as damned. I say: ‘All you’ve done is to bring me, step by step, to the subjective knowledge of what I knew before anyway, that the root of that book was poisoned.’ She says: ‘All self-knowledge is knowing, on deeper and deeper levels, what one knew before.’ I say: ‘But that isn’t good enough.’ She nods and sits thinking. I know something is coming but I don’t know what. Then she says: ‘Do you keep a diary?’ ‘Off and on.’ ‘Do you write in it what happens here?’ ‘Sometimes.’ She nods. And I know what is in her mind. It is that the process, writing a diary, is the beginning of what she thinks of as unfreezing, the releasing of the ‘block’ that stops me writing. I felt so angry, so resentful, that I couldn’t say anything. I felt as if, in mentioning the diary, in making it part of her process, so to speak, she was robbing me of it.
[At this point the diary stopped, as a personal document. It continued in the form of newspaper cuttings, carefully pasted in and dated.]
The modeller calls this the ‘H-Bomb Style’, explaining that the ‘H’ is for peroxide of hydrogen, used for colouring. The hair is dressed to rise in waves as from a bomb-burst, at the nape of the neck. Daily Telegraph
July 13th, 50
There were cheers in Congress today when Mr Lloyd Bentsen, Democrat, urged that President Truman should tell the North Koreans to withdraw within a week or their towns would be atom-bombed. Express